So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
