I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
