Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
