if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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