Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
