The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
