We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
