I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
