You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
