I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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