plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
