im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
