VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
