so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
