I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
