You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
