I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
