I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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