You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
