I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
