if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
