You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
