Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
