I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
