Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
