woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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