I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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