I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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