Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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