Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
