my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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