just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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