The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
