Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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