I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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