I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
