god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
