I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
