I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
