U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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