I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
