After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
