the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
