Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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