not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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