guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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