god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
