Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
