We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
