I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.