Pappa wants mamma naked
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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