Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
