Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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