I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
